Title:  What she sees.

Author:  tayryn

Rating:  M

Classification:  John and Helena romance

Archive:  my site

Disclaimer:  I don’t own them.  Wish I did… but I don’t.

Summary:  John… seen through the eyes of the woman who loves him.

Notes:  this story was inspired in part by the seaQuest story “Journey of the Mind” by Mary Arvidson.  A wonderful story that I’ve enjoyed reading many times.


The rest is just me, wanting to write a story about John… from Helena’s point of view… her thoughts and feelings about the man she loves.


Also… this is my first attempt at writing in first person, so please go easy!!






I look up from an early analysis report I’m working on of the upcoming planet we’re heading out to explore, just in time to see John’s image appear on the viewer.


“We’re still eight hours from the planet,” he says over the comm-line.  “So why don’t all of you try and get some sleep.”


I am unable to stop the soft smile from coming to my lips at the sight of him.  He always has this effect on me.  Always has.  Right from the start. 


My smile grows a little more and I feel my breath catch in my throat as our eyes seem to meet through the screen and I see a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth.


As his image winks out, I hear a very soft sigh come from behind me.  I glance back in time to see the starry-eyed look on our young botanist, Lucy Graham’s face.


I chuckle to myself.  I know exactly what she’s thinking.


She’s wondering what it’d be like to be the “Commander’s Woman”.  A title it seems a lot of the women on Alpha have been striving to achieve since Breakaway, some eighteen months earlier.


I turn back to my report as my smile grows even more.  Little do they know, that four months earlier, that position was filled.


“Doctor Russell, aren’t you gonna try and get some sleep?”


I turn my head to smile at Pete and Frank, the two security guards along for the ride and shake my head.  “Not yet.”  I reply.  “I have a couple of things to finish for the Commander before we reach the planet.”


“Ah, okay then.”  Pete replied and then settled back into his seat as I turned back to my papers.


“I’m going to ah,” I glance up again to meet Victor’s eyes as he stands and stretches the slight kink out of his back while gesturing towards the cockpit.  “Go up front for a little.”


I nod and watch him walk away, knowing that he’ll also try his best to get John to get some rest.  Moments later, he disappears from view and I turn back to my report.


Before long, except for the soft humming of the engines, the Eagle is quiet and I am able to concentrate on my report.


Some time later, I hear a sound and turn to see Lucy pushing her blanket aside and slowly getting to her feet.  Our eyes meet as she heads for the back of the Eagle.


Just as the door to the Eagle’s washroom closed, I hear the telltale sound of another door sliding open and turn towards the front of the Eagle to see John emerging from the cockpit.


He looks tired.  I can see it in his eyes.  I know he should get more rest… Hell, even he knows he should get more rest, but we’re both aware that until we can find a suitable planet to settle down on, that won’t happen.


But even tired, he still manages a smile when our eyes meet.  Just a small one, but even still, I can see the sparkle in his eyes… the one he gets only when he’s looking at me and it sends a thrill through me.


He walks over to where I’m sitting, standing close, but not too close.


“Find anything interesting?”  He asks in a quiet voice.


“Not really.”  I reply and give him a small smile.  “But that could be a mixed blessing.”


John nods as he raises a hand and rubs over the back of his neck; an indication, I’ve learned, when he’s seriously thinking about something.  He opens his mouth to say something but stops when the washroom door opens.  He nods politely to Lucy and then turns back to me, reaching out for the report I’m working on, his fingers brushing against mine.


Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Lucy watching us.  Or more specifically, watching John.  She settles back in her seat, pulling her blanket over her, but she’s still watching him.


And, John… I can’t help but smile to myself… if he notices her watching him, doesn’t give any indication.  He taps the papers in his hands before placing them on the desk in front of me and leaning closer to point to a certain area.


It’s all I can do not to moan out loud at the feel of his warm breath on my neck as he begins to talk.


“I’ve told Alan to land us here.”  He says, reaching over my shoulder to point to the radio map on the desk.  He meets my eyes as I glance up at him and the twinkle in his eyes tells me he knows exactly what he’s doing.  I smile softly, my eyes holding his gaze for an extra moment and then look back at the map and where he’s pointing as he continues.  “After we set up camp, we’ll head out in teams to search the area.”


“Sounds good.”  I agree, a soft sigh escaping me as he straightens up, his hand ‘accidentally’ brushing over my back before he lifts it and runs it through his hair again.  I look up at him and gesture with my head towards the empty row of seats.  “Why don’t you get some rest, John?”


John sighed and I could see that he was about to argue.


“No arguments, John.”  I said, meeting his eyes, letting him know that I wasn’t joking.


“Yes, Doctor.”  He nods and then the corner of his lips turn up into a small smile.  “You gonna follow your own advice?”


I contemplate arguing, but seeing the look in his eyes, I know it won’t do any good, so I nod.  “As soon as I finish up here.”


“Helena.”  His tone is slightly reproachful.


“I won’t be long, John.  I promise.”  I hold up my hand to stop him from saying another word.  “I promise, John.”


He nods and I watch him move over and sink down into one of the bench seats in front of a still very much awake Lucy Graham. 


I grab my papers off the desk and sit back in my chair, twisting just slightly so that I can watch her watching John.  I stifle a laugh as she shifts, releasing a dramatic sigh, trying to get John’s attention but to no avail.  He simply settles back in his seat, fluffs up his pillow; pulling up his blanket as he closes his eyes to sleep.


I turn back to my papers, smiling at the frustrated look on Lucy’s face.




I look over my papers to meet John’s eyes.


“Come to bed.”


I bite back my smile as I hear Lucy’s sharp intake of breath and see the amused glint in John’s eyes as I feel Lucy’s eyes on me.  I smile and shake my head at John.  I watch his lips twitch as he tries not to smile.


“You know what I mean, Helena.”  He says a moment later, a hint of amusement lacing his voice.  “We can’t turn the lights down if you’re working… and besides that, you need to get some rest just like the rest of us.”


“All right, John.”  I say, gathering my papers and placing them into the folder.  I slowly stand up and make my way to the empty seat near John.  Very aware of the fact that Lucy’s eyes are still on me.


I remove my belt before settling into the chair, facing John and prop the pillow up behind me and then pull the blanket up over my chest.  John shifts slightly, reaching out to activate the comm-unit in front of us, asking Alan to lower the lights in the passenger section.


Once the lights are down, John shifts back to a more comfortable position and then reaches beneath the blankets to grasp my hand.  He entwines his fingers with mine and rests them on the console between us.


Our eyes meet in the low light and we share a small, secretive smile.


I love John’s eyes.


One of the first things I noticed upon meeting John was his eyes.


They are the most brilliant shade of blue.  And expressive.  I have never seen eyes as expressive as John’s.  Just by looking into his eyes I can gauge his mood.  Flashing when he’s angry, growing dim when he’s sad, sparkling when he’s happy and twinkling when he’s amused.


But what I love most... are John’s eyes when he is aroused.


There is nothing I love more than to watch his eyes change from their normal bright blue to a dark, smoky cerulean.  And even more, I love knowing that I’m the cause of that change.  That I’m the one who’s stirred that passion deep inside him.


A small thrill runs through me as I remember that night four months ago, looking up into his eyes, watching them grow dark with desire as he lay above me; our bodies joining together for the first time.


I sigh happily at that memory as my eyes begin to wander over the rest of his face, taking in all his features.


His nose.  Well, what can I say?  It’s a nose.  It’s nice and straight, never having been broken and suits his face.  Although, I do have to admit, I love it when John nuzzles his nose deep into my hair when we’re sleeping.  I can’t explain it, but I love it.


My eyes move along his cheeks.  Cheeks that feel so good sliding against mine when they are freshly shaven and oh so soft to the touch, cheeks that rest against my head when he’s holding me in his arms.  I continue my visual inspection, moving my eyes once again along his cheeks to his strong jaw and his chin, which has the slightest hint of a cleft.


And nestled between John’s nose and his chin are his lips. 


Oh God, his lips!


John’s wonderful, full lips.


John can do amazing things with his lips. 


Can and has.


A sudden wave of desire washes over me as I watch John’s tongue dart out to lick his lips; various memories of those lips and tongue moving over my body flashing through my mind.


I close my eyes briefly, remembering our first kiss; the first feel of his lips on mine, the feel of his tongue sliding between my lips to dance with mine, giving me my first taste of him.  Of John.


And, Lord what a kisser!  I could kiss him for hours on end and never tire of it; the feel of his lips covering and moving against mine, his tongue pressing gently at my lips, seeking permission to enter before taking full possession of my mouth.  He kisses me with as much passion as he makes love to me.


But by far, the sweetest thing John has done with his mouth is to tell me he loves me.  Our first night together, our bodies straining together towards completion, his breath was a warm rush against my ear as he whispered those four beautiful words, “I love you, Helena,” before joining me in the rapture of our shared release.


Just the thought of it makes me moan softly.


I open my eyes a few moments later to see John watching me through lidded eyes, a hint of a smile on his lips, almost as if he knows what I’m thinking.  And for all I know, he does know.


With a gentle squeeze of my hand, he closes his eyes again and so I continue my perusal, letting my eyes drift down to his shoulders.


John’s not a big, brawny man, but he does have nice broad shoulders.  Shoulders I love to lay my head on when he holds me; grip tightly to when his body is moving in and over mine.  Shoulders that bear the weight of world.


Our very existence here on Alpha weighs heavily on John.  Our future depends on the decisions he makes.  And it’s a responsibility I know that he takes very seriously.  And it’s a responsibility that I do everything in my power to help alleviate, or at least make lighter.


I sigh softly, praying that someday, the only worry John will have will be whether or not he should sleep in.


My eyes slowly move down his arms.  The arms that hold me close and tight at night, comfort me when I’m sad or hurting and in whose embrace I feel safest.  When I’m in John’s arms, I feel nothing but loved.  There is no fear when he’s holding me.


I’m pulled out of my musings when I feel a slight squeeze to my hand and bring my eyes back up to John’s face to see him watching me through lidded eyes.  I smile at him and then go back to my visual accounting of his body, my eyes dropping to the hand that is resting on his chest on top of the blanket.


Like with his lips, John can do wonderful things with his hands.  And while they’re not overly soft, he can make them feel like silk when he’s running them over my body, reverently touching every inch of me.  With just his hands and mouth alone, John has managed to take me to heights I’d only ever dreamed of.


Under his hand, beneath the blanket and hidden from view is his chest.  And now I’m working from memory.  Not overly muscular, but nicely defined, John’s chest is covered with just the right amount of dark hair which I love to feel against mine; the soft hair teasing and stroking my breasts as we’re moving against each other.


And cradled within his chest is his heart.  The beating of which lulls me to sleep when I’m cradled lovingly in his arms, my head resting comfortably on his chest.


That first night, after we’d made love, I lay in John’s arms and listened to the rapid beat of his heart.  The sound of which made me feel safe.  Safe, cherished and more than that, the sound of his heart beating steadily beneath my ear, made me feel loved.  And it still does.


I shift in my seat and continue my ‘inspection’ of John’s body from a different angle, deciding to work my way up starting with his feet.  His oh so very ticklish feet.


A smile comes unbidden to my lips as I recall the very incredible, very satisfying lovemaking that followed some spur of the moment tickling fights we’d engage in; lying, afterwards, tangled up in each other’s arms on the floor, the couch, the bed; our uniforms strewn throughout the room.


His legs are long.  Long, lean and powerful.  A lot of that probably due to the amount of pacing John does when he’s stressed out or worried about something.  I’m sure if he could get out there, John would walk around the entire moon if we let him.  And strong.  His legs are quite strong.


The image of John’s hard body pressing mine against the wall of my office; his legs supporting my weight, mine wrapped securely around him as he moves deeply inside me, flashes through my mind and I feel a blush creep up my cheeks at the memory.  As the memory persists, the warmth in my cheeks spreads throughout my body.


That day will forever be burned in my mind, happening just days after John and I became lovers.  He’d come down to medical, the reason I can no longer remember and before I knew what was happening, we were in my office, door locked, blinds drawn and kissing each other like there was no tomorrow.  Moments later, John had me pressed up against the wall, his hands pulling urgently at my uniform; mine pulling at his with equal urgency.


I moan softly at that particular memory again.  That was a good day all around.  Woken up by his hands doing incredible things to my body, a quickie up against my office wall, followed by an evening of long, slow, and extremely, satisfying lovemaking.


Shaking my head, I turn my mind back to my previous task; checking out the man I love.  And where was I again?   


Ah yes, his legs.


His legs, that when he’s sitting, make a very comfortable place to sit.  And after a long day, I like nothing more than to curl up in John’s lap.  Curl up and rest my head on his shoulder as his arms wind around me, both of us forgetting for a time, the universe on the other side of the door.


Before I can continue my inspection, I feel a slight tug on my hand and lift my eyes to John’s face.


He’s smiling at me.


Not that gorgeous face-splitting grin of his, but a sleepy, soft smile that still works wonders on my insides.  I return the smile and as I look deeper into his eyes, I can see the longing in them.  A longing I share.


He wants me.


I want him.


But with an Eagle full of people, there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.


In fact, with no one knowing about our relationship, a mutual decision on both our parts, the most we can do right now is what we’re doing.  Holding hands and gazing longingly at each other.


I watch as John slowly nods his head, as if coming to some kind of decision and before I can say or do anything, he’s pushing aside his blanket and pulling me up out of my chair, across the console and into his lap.


The quiet gasp behind us lets us know that we’re still being watched.


“John?!”  Surprise and confusion are evident in my voice, even though I’ve kept low.


“I don’t care anymore if everyone knows, Helena.”  He says softly as he shifts around in his seat to a more comfortable position, causing me to do the same thing.  He brings his hand up to cup my cheek.  “I love you.  And it’s time everyone knew that.”


I don’t bother to ask him if he’s sure about this, because I can see in his eyes that he is.  I smile lovingly at him, my hand coming up to cover his, pressing my cheek into his touch.  “I love you too, John.”  I tell him, happy tears misting my eyes.


Keeping our relationship quiet was a mutual decision.  One we both agreed on, to not only prove that we could have both a working relationship and a personal one, but also to just give us time to be together without the eyes of everyone on Alpha watching our every move.


“You okay with this?”  John asks me quietly, still caressing my cheek.


I nod and then he smiles and with his hand still on my cheek, he gently pulls my face to his, bringing our lips together.  I sigh happily and respond to his loving kiss.  When the kiss ends, I shift in his lap and make myself comfortable; laying my head on his shoulder as he brings the blanket up to cover us both.


“Besides, I was finding it hard to sleep with you checking me out.”


I chuckle and tilt my head up enough so that I can place a soft kiss on his neck.  “Was I that obvious?”


“Only to me.”  He answers, rubbing his hand up and down my back.  He turns his head and with his lips against my forehead, he whispers.  “Truth be told, I just missed holding you.”


I smile and snuggle closer to him.


This is the man I love. 


He’s not perfect.


But he’s mine.


And I wouldn’t trade him for anything.  Not even for a return to Earth.


With that thought, I finally fall asleep.  Nestled safely in John’s arms.





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