Space: 1999 – The Knowledge of My Heart

By: tayryn & Monica


** this one….. rated NC-17!!!   (was there any doubt?  Lol)



Helena slowly dragged the rocking chair John had finished making for her the other day, across the nursery floor and positioned it under the room’s one window.  Taking a couple of steps back, she smiled and nodded, satisfied that from there, the rocker would catch the morning sun.


“Now, remember my dear hearts,” she said aloud, looking down as she smoothed her hands over her very swollen stomach.  “Not a word of this to your daddy.  We don’t want him worrying about us anymore than he already does.”


“Too late.”


The words, softly spoken in her ear, caused her to jump.


“John!”  She gasped, as she felt her husband slide his arms around her from behind, his hands slipping under hers to caress her belly.  “You startled me.”


“Sorry love.”  He said, pressing a kiss against her neck as he rested his chin on her shoulder.  “Nice spot for the rocker, but aren’t you supposed to be taking it easy.”


“I only moved a chair.”  She sighed, leaning back against him, enjoying the feel of his hard body pressing against hers.


John nodded against her shoulder.  “A very large, very heavy chair.”


“John.”  She said, a touch of exasperation in her voice.


“Hey.”  He said, pushing her gently forward towards the rocker.  “I’ve told you before, I worry about you.”


“I know.”  She said as he turned them and sat in the rocking chair, pulling her down into his lap, supporting her back with one arm, while his other hand moved over her stomach.  He smiled as he felt his children moving.  “But honey, there is no need to be worried.  Women my age have been having babies for years.”


“That’s true.”  He said, looking up at her.  “But those women aren’t carrying my children.  You are.”  He paused as his hand slid off her stomach and down across her thighs, pulling her closer against him.  “You are the one I’m concerned about.  You and these two little lives you carry.  First there was the fainting; then a couple cases of false labor; the high blood pressure and a few other symptoms I know I don’t need to mention, or do I?”


“False labor?”  She asked innocently.  “What are you talking about John?”


Helena.”  He said pointedly.


She looked into his eyes and sighed, realizing that he knew everything.  And in that same moment, her mind began to whirl with ways to get back at Bob for reneging on their deal.


“And get all thoughts of chewing out Bob out of your head.”  He said as if reading her mind.  “He didn’t say a word, just like he promised.”


“Then how… how did you know?”  She asked, knowing it was pointless now to deny it.


“Let’s just say I know and leave it at that.”  He said.


Helena looked down at her hands and began to finger her wedding ring.  “I just didn’t want to worry you.”  She said softly, tears welling in her eyes.


“I know.”  He replied, slipping his fingers under her chin and lifting her head so he could see her face.  He smiled softly at her, brushing the tears from her eyes with his thumbs.  His always cool, calm and collected wife had grown quite emotional during her pregnancy.  Tears came easily, especially lately.  And in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride Helena was on and taking him with her, he still loved everything about her.  And always would.  “And I love you for it.  But haven’t you realized by now, there is nothing that can stop me from worrying about you.”


She nodded.


John sighed and entwined his fingers with hers, resting their hands on her belly.  “I want you to promise me that you won’t keep anything else from me.  No matter how minor or inconsequential you think it is.”


She nodded.  “I promise.”


He leaned forward and brushed a kiss against her lips, before resting his head on her breasts.


“You’re my life Helena.”  He said softly, listening to her heart beat.  “I couldn’t live if anything ever happened to you.”


Helena laid her cheek against the top of his head, tears streaming down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight.


“And you’re my life John.”  She whispered.  “Without you, I wouldn’t want to live.”


His arms tightened around her and they held each other close; an apologizing and reassuring embrace for both of them.


A short while later, John raised his head and they gazed into each other’s eyes.


“I love you.”  They whispered together and smiled.


“John.”  Helena said seriously.  “You do know don’t you, that if there were anything seriously wrong with me, that I would tell you.”


“I know.”  He nodded.  “I know you would.”


She looked down at their hands that were once again entwined.  “I don’t know how I know this, maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I don’t believe it is.”  She began, looking back up at him.  “But I know that when we die, it’s going to be together.”


“In each other’s arms, where we belong.”  He finished.  “I know it too.”  He paused and smiled at her.  “But that doesn’t keep me from worrying about you.”


She smiled back and ran her hand through his hair.  “Me either.”


They leaned into each other, their mouths joining for a loving kiss.


“You know something Doctor Koenig.”  He began, a twinkle in his eye.  “I’ve just had a wonderful idea.”


“And what would that be, Commander Koenig?”  She asked.


“You and I deserve some time alone.”


Helena glanced around the nursery then looked back at him with a bemused smile.  “Honey... we are alone.”


John chuckled.  “I mean alone, as in away from here.  Away from town.”  He said.  “And away from all our responsibilities.”


“That sounds wonderful.”  She sighed.  “But I don’t think Bob will go for it.”


“Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask.”



                             **                                      **                                      **



“You want to do what?  Mathias asked, not believing his ears.  He shook his head.  “No way.  Out of the question.”


“But Bob, I feel fine.”  Helena said.


Helena, you’re seven and a half months pregnant.”  He pointed out.  “And with twins, which means you could go into labor any day now.”


“Bob, please.”  John asked, his hands squeezing his wife’s shoulders gently.  “She needs this.  We need this.”


“Besides, you’re the one who keeps telling me that I need to relax and take it easy.”  Helena said, trying a different approach.


“Flying around in an Eagle is hardly relaxing.”  Bob said sarcastically.


“I don’t know; Alan seems to think so.”  John commented then grew serious.  “We’ll only be in the Eagle for an hour.  Then we’ll be on the beach.”


Bob looked at his Commander and his boss skeptically, shaking his head.


“Come on Bob.  She’s kept up her end of the deal.”  John said.


“The deal?”  Bob asked, glancing at Helena and looking at John questioningly.  “Whatever do you mean Commander?”


“He knows Bob.”  Helena said with a quick glance at her husband.


“What does he know?”


“The false labor, the high blood pressure, everything.”  John answered and held up his hand.  “And don’t ask me how I know, I just do.”


“So, please Bob, let us do this?”  Helena asked.  “Before the twins arrive.”


Bob sighed and then nodded.  “All right.  But there are a few conditions.”


John smiled down at Helena.


“He loves giving conditions.”  She said with a grin.  “Okay, what are they?”


“First, you have a check up right now.”  He said looking at Helena, then turned to John.  “And second, you take extra medical supplies, just in case.”


“Deal.”  John said.


“Sounds fair.”  Helena agreed and then turned to John.  “I’ll meet you at the Eagle in what, say… half an hour?”


“Okay.”  John said, giving her a quick kiss before walking away.


“Thank you Bob.”  Helena said, giving him a grateful smile.


“Let’s just say that I’m trying to stay on both my boss’ and Commander’s good sides and leave it at that.”  He commented dryly.


The sound of Helena laughing was the last thing John heard as he walked out the door.



                             **                                      **                                      **



“I have one last condition Commander.”  Bob said as he, Alan and Tony stood with John and Helena in the Eagle’s hatch.


“What’s that?”  John asked, catching the bemused smile Helena flashed at him.


“Don’t keep her out all day.”  He said.  “She still needs proper rest.”


John nodded.  “Okay.  We’ll be back by twenty hundred hours.  How’s that?”


Bob nodded.  “That’ll be fine.”


They said the rest of their goodbyes and then the three men walked down and away from the Eagle.  John closed the hatch and turned to his wife.


“Grab a seat sweetheart and we’ll get under way.”


“Oh no, I’m riding up front with you.”  She said.


Helena, it’ll be much more comfortable for you back here.”  He said.


“But you’ll be up there and I’m not riding back here by myself.”  She said in a voice that he knew meant she wasn’t going to back down.


“Okay, come on.”  He said with a shake of his head and a gesture that she should go ahead of him.  “You are way too stubborn and I give in to you way too easily.  Why is that?”


She glanced back at him and just smiled.  “Because you love me.”


“I knew there had to be a good reason.”  He said smiling back at her.


“I will however,” she said as they entered the cockpit and she looked down at the co-pilot’s chair.  “Let you help me into the seat.”


John laughed and slipped his arms around her and supported her as she slowly sank down into the chair.


“I think you better leave the seat back.”  He chuckled, climbing into his seat.


“Are you implying, Commander, that I’ve gotten fat?”  She asked giving him a mock dirty look as she adjusted and pulled on the harness.


John looked over at her.  She had gained some weight since her little deal with Bob, enough that her face had rounded out slightly and her frame had filled out more.  But to John, she was still the most beautiful woman in existence.


“Not at all sweetheart.”  He replied, smiling at her.  “I’m just afraid that the twins might try and fly this bird.”


“Good answer.”  She laughed.


John laughed with her and began to punch some buttons.  “Hold on, here we go.”


Outside, just off the launch pad, Alan, Tony and Bob, stood watching as the Eagle slowly began to rise.


“I hope they enjoy themselves.”  Tony said, turning to look at Alan.  “They really deserve to have some time to themselves before the twins get here.”


“Yeah, you’re right To…”  Alan stopped.


“What is it Alan?”  Tony asked, following Alan’s line of vision to the departing Eagle.  “Oh my god!”


“John!  Abort lift off!!  Abort!”  Alan yelled into his commlock, that appeared in his hand as if from nowhere.  He looked on in horror at the thick black smoke billowing out from the Eagle’s engines.  “John!  John can you hear me?  Abort!!  You’ve got an engine fire!!”


“Alan!  Controls not…” static ing.  Repeat,” static “no con”


The three men watched in terror as the Eagle suddenly shot up and then pitched forward, heading straight for the ground, some thirty feet below.  The last thing all three of them heard over Alan’s commlock was Helena’s horrified screams and John’s frantic cry of her name, as the Eagle crashed into the ground.


“Emergency medical teams to launch pad immediately!”  Bob yelled into his commlock as the three men ran towards the downed Eagle.  “The Commander’s Eagle is down!  I want two stretchers and the portable fetal monitor!”


Alan was first to reach the Eagle, pointing his commlock at the door, but not having any luck opening it.  “It’s jammed!”


“Come on!”  Tony said, grabbing the hatch with his hands, as did Alan.  “Mathias, help us!”


With a lot of groaning and heaving the three of them managed to get the hatch opened just as the medical teams arrived.  The three men rushed into the Eagle, heading directly for the cockpit.   The door had partially opened in the crash and they could see John sprawled over the console separating him and Helena.


They quickly got the door open and Alan and Tony stepped aside as Mathias rushed in, the med-team right behind him.


Bob kneeled down, checking first Helena’s pulse and then turned to John, who was laying half on top of his wife, his arms stretched out over his head.  Finding a pulse on John too, he turned to the med-team.


“Okay, let’s get them out of here.”  He said.  “And carefully.”


The med-team moved in and slowly maneuvered John out of his wife’s lap.  It was then that Mathias noticed the blood soaking the front of Helena’s shirt.  He almost started to tell the med-team to hurry and move John when he saw the gash, still bleeding, on John’s head.


“Take care of the Commander’s head wound.”  He told them, knowing that they already knew it, but feeling the need to say it anyway.  “And get that fetal monitor in here!”


The first med-team was already on it’s way out, the second one on it’s way in, when Helena began to stir.  Bob reached out and grabbed the fetal monitor from the incoming medic and quickly strapped it on her, breathing a small sigh of relief as the readings came in.


“John.”  She moaned softly, though still not completely conscious.  Her hands moved to her stomach and she started to breath a sigh of relief when she felt that her top was wet.  She opened her eyes slowly as she raised her hands to look at them.  She began to breath hard.  “Oh… god… no…”


“Easy Helena.”  Bob said, leaning forward to grab her hands.  “The babies are okay.  It’s…” He paused, not sure that what he was going to tell her next was the wisest thing to do.  “It’s John’s blood.” 


“John!”  She began, the panic in her voice.


“He’s okay.”  Bob said quickly.  “It’s just a small head wound, you know how those like to bleed.”  He told her and she nodded.  “Now, we’re going to get you out of here and take you to medical to check you out properly.”


Helena just nodded.  “John?  Bob, is he really okay?”  She asked, and Bob could hear the fear in her voice.


“From what I’ve seen so far Helena.”  Bob nodded.  “He’s being taken to medical now.  Ben’ll look after him.”


Helena nodded as Bob and one of the medics, slowly helped her out of the co-pilot’s chair and spoke to Bob.  “The last thing I… I remember was John… trying to control our descent and at the last minute… hurling himself out of his seat at me to keep me from hitting the console.”  Her speech grew slurred as she felt her vision blur.


“Well, from what I can tell so far, it worked.”  Bob said as they lowered her onto the stretcher.  “He could have very well saved both your life and the lives your twins.”


Helena moved her hands to her stomach and closed her eyes.  “John.”  Her thoughts turned to her husband as she was carried out of the Eagle on the stretcher and slowly slipped back into unconsciousness.  “Oh honey, please be okay.” 


“Let’s get her to medical.”  He said to the medics, seeing that she was out again.



                             **                                      **                                      **


The next day, Bob walked into the small examining room where Helena had been placed, to see her standing beside the bed.


“And just where do you think you’re going?”  He asked.


“I’m going to check on my husband.”  She told him; pulling on the white medical jacket she’d had one of her nurses bring her.


“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  Bob said.  “You need to rest more.”


“Bob, I’ve been resting all night.  You said yourself that I’m fine.  Only a few minor bumps and bruises, and the babies are fine also.”  She said moving towards the door.  He blocked her way.  “Bob, I am still the CMO here.  And if I want to go and check on my husband, I will go check on my husband.  Now please, stand aside.”


Bob exhaled deeply and moved out of the way so that she could walk by him.  He followed closely behind her.


“What’s his condition?”  She asked, heading towards the medical bay. 


“Well, like you, he was very fortunate to not have sustained any major injuries.”  Bob answered.  “Just that cut to his head, which wasn’t very deep, only required a few stitches and a sprained wrist.”


“That’s good to hear.”  Helena said and looked at him.  She noticed there was something else.  “What aren’t you telling me Bob?”


“He hasn’t regained consciousness yet.” 


“Not once all night?  Not even briefly?”  She asked worriedly as Bob shook his head.  “But you said he was fine.”


“Physically he is.”  Bob told her.  “And we’ve already run all the scans we can think of.  Why he hasn’t come around is beyond me.”


“Could he…” she paused and stopped as she entered the medical bay and saw John lying in the bed.  “He’s not in a coma is he?”


“No.”  Bob said.


Helena breathed a sigh of relief and moved over to her husband’s side, Bob remaining behind to give her a moment of privacy with John.  She brought her hand to his cheek, caressing it gently before leaning over and brushing a soft kiss against his lips.


“John.”  She whispered.  “Please my love, wake up.  Wake up and come back to me.  I need you so much.”  A tear slipped down her cheek as she pressed another kiss to his lips, clasping his hand and bringing it to rest on her stomach.  “We need you.”


Bob made his way over to her then.  She looked up at him, the tears in her eyes.


“He has to be okay Bob.”  She said and he could hear the worry in her voice.  “He has to be.  I can’t… I can’t do this without him.”


Bob regarded her for a moment, and although he knew she didn’t want to hear it, he said it anyway.  “Yes you can Helena.  You’re a strong woman.”


She shook her head.  “No Bob, you’re wrong.”  She looked down at John, resting their entwined hands on the bed beside him.  “John is my strength.  I can’t live without him.  He is my life.”


He didn’t say a word and just looked at her.  Suddenly she gasped and Bob looked down at John, seeing his eyes flutter.


“John?”  She called.  “John?  Can you hear me?”


He groaned softly.




His eyes slowly opened and he looked up into the most beautiful green eyes he’d ever seen.  He blinked.


“How do you feel?” 


“Like someone took a baseball bat to my head.”  He answered, feeling his heart skip a beat as he watched her smile.  “What happened?”


“You were in an accident.”  She replied, squeezing his hand.  “John, what do you remember?”


He paused a moment to think and then shook his head slowly.  “I don’t remember anything.”


“Nothing about the crash?”  Asked Bob, stepping forward.


John looked up him and replied.  “Nothing period.”


“What do you mean?”  Helena asked, worry creeping into her voice. 


“I mean I can’t remember anything.”  He answered and looked up at her.  “You called me John a moment ago; I’m assuming that’s my name?”


“This isn’t funny John.”  She said, her smile fading.


“I’m not trying to be funny.  I really can’t remember anything.”  He said, wishing he could, if only to see the smile come back to her face and not knowing why it mattered to him.


Helena glanced up at Bob.


“The trauma to his head.”  He said and she nodded.


“Amnesia.”  She said softly and looked back down at her husband.  “You hit your head in the Eagle crash.”  She explained, squeezing his hand again.  “You’ve got amnesia, which is hopefully only temporary.”


He smiled softly and nodded.  “Well, until my memory returns, would you like to tell me exactly who I am and where I am?  Nothing here is familiar.”  Except the feeling that I know you somehow.”  He thought to himself looking once again into her pretty face.


Helena ran her left hand through her hair as she looked over at Bob.  John noticed the ring on her finger and felt his stomach tighten.


“She’s married.”  He thought sadly.  He looked down at his hand, which was still held in hers and didn’t see or feel a ring on his finger and sighed.  It was then that he noticed that she was pregnant and felt a surge of jealousy; again not knowing why.  “She’s married and she’s pregnant.  I wonder who the lucky S.O.B. is.”   He looked back up at her as he realized that she was speaking to him.


“Your name is John Koenig.  And you’re the commander here.”  She said.


“John Koenig.”  He repeated, nodding.  “And where is here and just what am I commander of?”


“Here, is New Alpha.”  Helena said.  “We’ve been here for just under a year.”  She began and then told him quickly about breakaway, the asteroid and settling on New Alpha.


He listened carefully as she explained everything.


“Okay, it all sounds a little fantastic, but I believe you.”  He said, flashing her a smile.  He felt his pulse quicken a little when she smiled softly back.  “So, you haven’t told me your names yet.”


“This is Doctor Mathias.”  She said with a gesture to the gentleman standing off to his right.  “And I’m Helena…”


“Doctor Russell.  Bob interrupted suddenly.  “Sorry, but I need to speak to you.”


“Can’t it wait Bob?”  She asked, and John could tell that she was annoyed with the other doctor.


“I’m afraid not.”  Bob said turning.  “Nurse!”  He called over to a young woman who had just entered the medical bay.  “Would you be so kind as to take the commander’s vitals while I talk to Dr. Russell for a moment.


The nurse looked confused for a moment, but simply nodded as Bob shot her a look.


Helena looked down at John, gave him a quick smile and squeezed his hand.  “I’ll be right back.”


John nodded, realizing that he didn’t really want her to leave.  He watched her walk towards a small windowed office, Mathias following.  He looked down at his hand; he could still feel the warmth of her hand on his skin and had enjoyed the feeling of her small hand on his.


“Get a grip there John.”  He thought as the nurse Bob had called over, began to check him over.  “She’s married; she’s pregnant.  Basically she’s not available.”  He looked up and over to the office she’d entered and could see her pacing back and forth, her hands resting on her stomach.  “So why is that I feel so drawn to this Helena Russell?”  He stopped on her name.  It didn’t seem right.  He continued to watch as she began to gesture with her hands, occasionally pointing in his direction. 




                             **                                      **                                      **



“Okay, care to explain to me why you just did that?”  Helena asked as she entered her office.


“I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him that you’re his wife.”  Bob said, moving to lean against her desk.


“Why on earth not?”  Helena asked, resting her hands on her stomach. 


Bob sighed.  He knew this was going to be difficult, but he was concerned about her health, and he told her so.


“What does that have to do with me telling John,” she began to pace, gesturing out the window to where he lay in bed.  that he and I are married?”


Bob just watched her as she continued to pace and rant at him.


“Isn’t just possible that I could help him to recover his memory?”  She was saying.  “After all, no one knows him better than I do.”


“That’s true.”  Bob agreed.  “But you and I also know how stressful it is to work with an amnesiac patient.  And the last thing you need at this point, is stress.”  He paused.  “Just by looking at you I can see that your blood pressure is up.”


“Of course it’s up!”  She almost yelled at him.  “My husband is lying out there…” she pointed out the window again,  and he doesn’t have a clue who I am!  Do you have any idea how much that’s killing me?”  She stopped pacing and glanced out the window to see John watching them.  She looked back at Bob and her eyes were filled with tears.  “Do you know how hard it was to look in his eyes and not see any recognition there?  Not even a hint that he knew who I was?”


Helena, I can’t pretend to know what this is like for you, and it does pain me to see you in such pain.  But as your friend and your doctor, your health is what’s concerning me now.  Yours and the twins.”  Bob said.  “I think it’s better that we not tell him right now.  Give it a few days, a week at the most and if his memory returns, well, then no harm done and this way we can try and keep your blood pressure somewhat normal.”


Helena looked at him.  “And what do we do in the meantime?  Don’t you think he’ll find it a little odd that he and I are living together if… if we’re not married?  Not to mention the fact that I’m seven and a half months pregnant.” 


“I’ve been thinking about that.”  He said.  “He could stay with Alan in the interim.”


“Leaving me at the house alone.”  She said sadly, not liking the thought.


“Oh no, I won’t have you traveling back and forth alone.”  Bob said.  “John would kill me.”  He paused, seeing the wistful smile on her face.  “I’m sure either Sahn or even Tony and Maya would be willing to let you stay with them.”


Helena nodded.  “I don’t think it’d be fair to ask Tony and Maya right now, what with them only being married for a couple of months.”


“Then we’ll ask Sandra.”  He said and looked at her.  “It’s only until he regains his memory Helena.”


She glanced out the window again to see John still watching them.  She turned back to Bob; a couple of tears slipping down her cheeks.  “Bob, what happens if he doesn’t get his memory back?  What will happen to me and the twins?”


Bob could hear the fear in her voice and moved over to her, placing his hand on her shoulder.  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.  But right now, I want you to think positively.  He has a lot to come back to after all.”


Helena gave him a teary smile and patted his hand.  “Thanks Bob.”


He smiled back and reached for his commlock.  “I’m going to call the others over here and inform them of the situation.”  Helena just nodded and he could see that she wanted to go back there to him.  “Can you hold off another moment before going back out there?”


She looked at him.  “Why?”


“There’s one more thing I want to discuss with you.”




                             **                                      **                                      **



“What’s taking her so long?”  He thought, seeing her glance in his direction for a second time.  “She did say she’d be right back.”


He looked back at the window just in time to see Mathias put a comforting hand on her shoulder and felt that he should be the one doing that.  He shook his head, not understanding where this was coming from and then watched as Mathias brought some strange device up and began speaking into it.  To John it looked like their conversation was over, so he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t coming back and he began to grow restless.


His nurse noticed this and turned to him.


“Commander?  Are you all right?  Is there anything I can get you?”


“Yes, my memory back, so that I can understand why I’m thinking and feeling all these things.”  He thought.  He looked up at her and shook his head, giving her a small smile.  “No.  I guess I just don’t like being cooped up in this bed.”


The nurse nodded understandingly.  “Well, I’m sure both Doctor Mathias and Doctor K…Russell,” she hesitated, remembering how Dr. Mathais had called her that.  “Will be out shortly to let you know what’s going on and when you’ll be released.”


He simply nodded, having heard her hesitation on the beautiful doctor’s last name, which although confirmed his suspicion that it was wrong, didn’t tell him why it was wrong.  He sighed softly, wishing she would come back out; knowing somehow that her presence would have a calming effect on him.


He was just about to ask the nurse to go and get her when he saw a door open and a small group of people walk in.  They all glanced at him, but headed straight for the windowed office.


“Wonder what that’s all about?”  The nurse commented as she walked away.


“Me no doubt.”  He said out loud to himself and glanced back at the window just in time to catch Helena’s eyes with his.  His heart began to pound in his chest.


Helena’s eyes locked with John’s through the window.  Her heart ached as she yearned to go and be with him.  But even from her office she could see that his eyes still held no memory of her.  She sighed and turned to look at the others who’d entered her office.


“I see John’s awake.”  Alan said looking at Helena.  “How is he?  How are you?”


“I’m fine.”  She said.  “It’s John that we’re concerned about.”


“He looked okay to me when we were coming in.”  Tony said.  “What’s wrong with him?”


“The commander has amnesia.”  Bob said without any preamble.


Alan, Tony and Sandra all quickly glanced out the window then back at the two doctors.  Alan stepped closer to Helena and leaned towards her.


“You okay?”  He asked softly.


She smiled at his concern and nodded.  “It’s difficult.”  She admitted.  “But I’m okay.  And I’ll be even better when he gets his memory back.”


“So why did you want to see the three of us?” Tony asked, already knowing part of it was that he was in temporary command.


Bob looked over at Helena to verify that they were going to go ahead with the plan.  Seeing her nod reluctantly, he began to tell the others.



                             **                                      **                                      **



John’s eyes opened as he heard the door to her office open.  He watched and felt his heart quicken it’s beat as she walked through the door, barely noticing that she was being followed by everyone else.


She walked over to him, the others nearing the bed as well.


“How you feeling?”  She asked quietly.


“About the same.”  He answered, not liking the sad look in her eyes.  “Although I am feeling a little cooped up here.”


She nodded.  “Well, we’re going to be releasing you in a few hours.  And Alan here,” she said gesturing to the blond male, who was standing way too close to her for John’s comfort.  will be taking you… home.”


“Sounds good.”  He said flatly, thinking for some reason that it should be her not Alan.


“And this is Tony.   He’ll be taking temporary command until your memory returns.”  She said as Tony took a small step forward.  “And he’ll also show you how to use your commlock.”


John glanced and nodded at Tony and then attention was drawn to the petite dark-haired woman standing beside him, trying to figure out why she was there.  He quickly dropped all thoughts of her as he felt Helena’s hand on his, sending a rush of heat throughout his body.  He looked back up at her.


“I don’t want you worrying about trying to force yourself to remember.”  She said, giving his hand a light squeeze.  “If you do, it might have the opposite effect.  All right?”


He nodded as he turned his hand under hers, returning her squeeze, feeling that her hand fit perfectly in his.  “All right.”


“I have a few things to take care of in town, but I’ll be back before you’re released.”  She told him and then glanced at Alan.  “Are you ready?”


John felt his stomach tighten again as Alan smiled at her and placed his hand on her shoulder, nodding.


“Now just try and relax.”  Helena told John and released his hand.  She turned to the smaller dark-haired woman he noticed earlier.  “I’ll be home around six Sahn.”


“All right Helena.”  Sandra replied.


John watched as Helena left with Alan, feeling very confused.  He’d thought…well never mind, he didn’t like where that thought was taking him.


“Maybe she’s not married after all.”  He thought.  “She did say that we just colonized this world.  Maybe her husband was lost in an accident.”  He shook his head, not wanting to think about her in that kind of pain.  “Maybe that’s why she’s living with this Sahn person.”




John looked up at Tony.


“Ready to get started?”


“Uh sure.”  John said, trying to keep his thoughts off Helena and concentrate on what Tony was showing him.”



                             **                                      **                                      **


“Have a seat.”  Helena told Alan as they entered the house.  “I’ll just go and grab some of John’s and my things.”


“You need any help?”  Alan asked.


She smiled and shook her head.  “No.  Just give me a few minutes.”


Alan nodded and watched her disappear down the hall.


Helena shut the bedroom door behind her and leaned up against it, releasing a deep sigh.  She slowly made her way to the closet and pulled out his small duffle bag, tossing it onto the bed, hers following.  She quickly packed enough clothes to last her a week and then turned to do the same for John.


He didn’t have all that many civilian clothes, preferring more to be in his uniform, but she decided to pack what little he had.  She grabbed a particular shirt of his that she loved and brought it up to her nose, inhaling the lingering scent of his cologne.


“John!”  She whispered sadly, tears falling down her cheeks.  Somehow, despite being barely able to see through her tears, she managed to find herself on his side of the bed.  She curled up on his pillow, buried her face in his shirt and began to cry uncontrollably.


She didn’t know how long she lay there crying before she heard a knock on the bedroom door, followed by Alan’s concerned voice.  Helena?  You all right?”


She sat up and wiped away her tears.  “I’m fine Alan.”  She called out as she quickly folded the shirt and placed it in John’s bag.  “Give me another minute and I’ll be right there.”


“Okay.”  He called back and she heard him walk away.


Helena quickly finished gathering everything she thought John would need and then turned to his nightstand.  She reached out and grabbed the photo that was there, smiling as she looked at it.  It was a picture Alan had snapped of them without either of them knowing; the two of them sitting on the grass beside the spring, Helena in John’s lap, her arms and legs wrapped around him, and his arms wrapped around her, their foreheads resting against each other.  She kept a copy of it on her desk, John preferring it on his nightstand.


She lightly brushed her finger over his image and put the picture in her bag.  She glanced around her bedroom with a sigh, then shouldered the two bags and walked out.


Alan stood and relieved her of the bags as she entered the living room.  He looked at her and could see that she’d been crying.  He opened his mouth to say something, but Helena shook her head.


“I’m okay, Alan.”  She said.  “Let’s just get out of here, okay?”


“Sure thing Helena.”  Alan said.



                             **                                      **                                      **



John stepped out from behind the screen, pulling up the zipper on his uniform top, and looked up just as the doors to medical opened.  He smiled broadly when he saw Helena enter.


Helena couldn’t help the smile that came to her face when she saw John standing there smiling at her, as he had done before so many times.  For a moment she thought he had remembered everything, given the way he was smiling at her and she almost quickened her pace to rush into his arms.


“Doctor… Russell.”  He said, nodding his head at her.  He saw her smile fade a little and wondered why.  “Where’s… Alan?”


“He’s checking out the Eagle a little further to see what caused the accident.”  She said, noting his hesitation on her name.


“Oh.”  He said, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear and not knowing why.  “So, does that mean I’m stuck in here till he’s done?”


Helena chuckled and it sounded like music to John’s ears.  “No.  As a matter of fact, just let me find Bob, and I’ll take you home.”


John nodded, liking the sound of that.  She moved past him, and he sat on the bed and watched her move down the hall to where he assumed Mathais had an office of his own.


As he waited for her, his mind began to whirl, trying to understand once again this strange sense that there was more going on then he was being told about and why he had suddenly felt a sense of guilt, not to mention fear when she mentioned the Eagle crash.  He shook his head slowly.  He was missing some pieces to this puzzle and he had a very strong feeling that Helena was the key to it all.


“Something wrong?”


He looked up to see her looking at him, a concerned expression on her face.


“No, not really.”  He said, getting off the bed.  “Just trying to make sense of everything and having little success.”


She nodded and indicated that she was ready to leave.


“So,” he asked as they walked to the doors.  “Tell me; was I alone on that Eagle?”


She glanced up at him as she walked past him through the door.  “Why do you ask?”


“Just curious.”  He said and then looked at her seriously.  “I wasn’t, was I?”


“No.”  She answered softly and then pointed straight ahead.  “This way.”


He was about to ask her for more details, but the look on her face indicated that she didn’t want to discuss it further, so he dropped it.  Even so, the feelings of guilt and fear rushed back to him.


As she led him down the ‘street’, she pointed out various things to him.  He was amazed at how much they’d accomplished in just under a year; the houses and buildings and told her so.


“We have an amazing commander.”  She said with a smile, John noting the wistful smile on her face as she glanced up at him.  “He’s not afraid to get in there and do things himself, which inspires others.” 


He chuckled.  “I’ll take your word for it.”  He was pleased to see the smile remain on her face, even as she shook her head. 


They walked in silence for a little bit, John astonished at how comfortable he felt, just being in her company.  He reached out suddenly and grabbed her arm as she stumbled on a stone in the road.


“Hey, careful.” 


Helena looked up at him as he steadied her.  “Thank you.”


“Not at all.”  He said, still holding her arm, as they continued to walk.  “You’re carrying some very precious cargo there.”


“You have no idea how precious.”  She thought, noticing that he still hadn’t let go of her arm.  She smiled to herself, not asking him to move it.


“I haven’t seen any children around here.”  He commented, his hand slipping down to clasp hers, a feeling of rightness about it.


Helena’s heart started to beat a little faster at the feel of his larger hand holding her smaller one.  “That’s because there aren’t any children.”  She paused and chuckled.  “At least none that are born yet.”


“Are many of the women pregnant?”


“A few.”  She said.  “We’re all due within a few months of each other.”


“And with you pregnant with twins, you’ll no doubt be the first one to deliver.”  He said and then stopped. 


Helena looked up at him, surprise written on her face.  She and Bob had made sure that everyone who knew that she was having twins didn’t say a word to John; Bob’s thinking, that they could use that as a sign when John’s memory returned.


“How do you know I’m having twins?”  She asked.


John regarded her for a moment.  “How do I know that?”  He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t know.  I just do.”  He paused.  “I take it then that not too many people know?”


She nodded.  “We didn’t want to tell everyone.”


John noticed she said ‘we’, but assumed she was talking about her husband and sighed softly, again feeling a surge of jealousy for the man lucky enough to married to this beautiful woman and have her bearing his children.


“Well, your secret’s safe with me.”  He told her.


“Thank you.”  She smiled softly at him and indicated that they should continue walking.  “It’s not much further.”  Less than ten minutes later she stopped in front of one the houses and gestured to it.


“That’s where I live?”  He asked looking unsure.


“Is something wrong?”  She asked, seeing the look on his face.


“I don’t know.”  He said, glancing at her and gesturing to the house.  “Seems to me that it ought to be bigger.”


Helena didn’t say a word and tugged on his hand, as she headed up the steps to the door; their house was considerably larger than the houses here in town. 


John walked with her up the stairs and commented on the fact that the door wasn’t locked.


“Well, we’re a small community.  More like family really.”  She said, moving down the hall.  “So, there’s really no need to lock the houses.  Some do, some don’t.  Only the really sensitive areas stay locked.”


John nodded understandably.


“This is your room.”  She said, opening a door.  She stepped aside and let him enter first, watching him carefully, for any sign of reaction, seeing none she followed him in.


He turned to look at her.  “I guess you won’t be surprised if I say that nothing’s familiar.”  She shook her head as he moved to look in the closet.  “Not many clothes.”  He commented.


“Well, you prefer to be in your uniform, even when you’re off duty.”  She told him, omitting the fact that when they were at home alone together they rarely wore anything at all, except maybe their robes.


“Really?”  He asked sounding surprised.


“Really.”  She replied.


He walked over to the window and looked out before speaking again.  “Can I ask you another question?”


“Of course.”  She said, moving over to stand beside him and leaned against the wall, her hands moving behind her to rub her back.


“How is that you know so much about me?  Are we friends?  Or just colleagues?”


“We’re both.”  She answered immediately.  “And we are.”  She thought.  “Especially the best of friends.”


Her answer made him smile.  “That’s good to hear.”


Helena smiled and glanced down at her commlock.  “I should be going.  I told Sandra that I’d be at her place by six.”  She pushed herself off the wall and headed for the door.


“Her place?”  He asked, turning around to look at her.  “I thought… you said in medical…” he gave her a questioning look.  “You don’t live with her?”


Helena realized her slip and quickly tried to think of a way to fix it.  “No I don’t.”  She said honestly.  “But my house isn’t that close to medical and in my condition; and seeing that Sandra lives so close and Bob wanted me closer just in case… so I’m staying with her for a while.”


“Oh.  Makes sense.”  He said nodding as she turned again to leave.  John suddenly realized that he didn’t want her to go.  “Doctor…” he paused on her last name again.  “Russell.”


Helena heard again, his hesitation of using ‘Russell’ as her last name.  She turned to look at him.  “John, you can call me Helena.”


Helena.”  He began and smiled; it was a beautiful name.  “Would you like me to walk you home?”


“Yes!”  She thought.  “All the way back to Sous Les Arbres.  Walk me home, take me in your arms and tell me this is all a bad dream.  Tell me you haven’t forgotten me, or the love we share!”


She shook her head.  “Thank you, but I’ll be all right.”


“You sure?”


Mmhmm.”  She smiled and placed her hand on his arm.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”


He nodded.  “Okay then.  Just watch out for the rocks.”


Helena smiled and gave his arm a light squeeze, before turning and leaving.


John watched her go and felt a weight press down on his heart.  When she’d placed her hand on his arm, he felt a jolt of excitement shoot through him.  He quickly returned to the window, standing just off to the side.  He watched as she stopped in the street and turned to look directly at his window.  He wasn’t sure, but he could swear she had a longing look on her face.  He continued to watch her until she disappeared from view.


He sighed and turned back to his room, looking around at it.  “Something is definitely wrong with this picture.”  Problem was, he didn’t know what that something was.



                             **                                      **                                      **


Helena sat with a sigh in the rocking chair on Sahn’s porch.  The work day was over and now as she glanced up to see that sun was beginning to set, she realized just how very tired she was and how much her head was killing her from the pounding headache she’d had all day.  She glanced down at John’s medical file resting in her lap.  She knew that her blood pressure was up, a result of all the tension and worry about John over the last three days, and she also knew that’s what was causing her headache. 


He seemed so lonely and lost to her.  And all she wanted to do was hold him and comfort him; tell him that everything would be all right; that her name was Helena Koenig, not Russell; that she was his wife and she was carrying his children.  But she couldn’t.  She just couldn’t jeopardize his healing process by throwing facts at him that he wasn’t prepared to deal with just yet or she might lose him forever.


She sat back in the rocker and closed her eyes, squeezing out the tears, wishing that John was with her now, holding her and helping make the headache go away in that wonderful way he had of kissing her temples.



                             **                                      **                                      **



John woke up in a cold sweat, his breathing ragged.  He must’ve fallen asleep and in the process, had another nightmare about the Eagle crash.  He glanced at his commlock and noticed the time.  He sighed.  It was only six o’clock in the evening.  He got up and moved to look out the window and noticed that the sun was beginning to set, which meant that it was almost dinnertime. 


He wished, not for the first time, that she were here with him now, in his arms, to watch the flaming orange ball sink over the horizon.  She was constantly in his thoughts as it was, but he found that his need for her grew stronger at certain times of the day… sunset being one of those times.


John shook his head.  He’d only known her for three days… well three days for him in this timeless, strange void of a life; a stranger even to himself, where Helena’s presence was the only thing familiar to him.


And absurd as it was, he knew… he knew that he was hopelessly in love with her.  A woman he knew absolutely nothing about.  Well that part wasn’t true.  He knew she was beautiful, intelligent; had a quirky sense of humor.  She was also married, a mother-to-be… and as he had realized the first time he’d laid eyes on her, ‘basically unavailable’. 




The word echoed in his mind.  Was she really?


As he thought back over the last three days, he realized just how available she had been.  She’d always been ready to assist him anytime and with anything he needed, answering most of his questions, although he had noticed that she’d been holding back on something.  Since he’d first opened his eyes in that hospital bed, she’d been there for him.


Unavailable?  No, not in that way, but unavailable in the way he most desired.


And there was another thing that was bothering him.  Nobody ever mentioned a Mr. Russell, not even his very pregnant wife.  He found this strange.  That and the fact that in three days, he’d yet to meet the man.  If he were Helena’s husband, he wouldn’t ever leave her side.


He glanced back at the chair he’d just vacated and shivered as the memory of the nightmare flashed through his mind.


<<Damn it man!  You know what you want to do.  Just go and find her.  You know all you need to calm yourself down, is to sit and talk with her.>>  His mind yelled at him.  <<Even if you can’t touch her or take her in your arms like you ache to do… just the sound of her voice will do the trick and you know it.>>


His mind made up, he grabbed his commlock and headed for Medical, praying that she was still there.


Fifteen minutes later Koenig entered the Medical building and headed straight for the CMO’s office.  Without really thinking about it, he unhooked his commlock from his belt, automatically keyed in a code and the door slid open before him and he stepped inside.  Only then did he realize what he’d done.  He froze on the spot, several seconds passing before he reached out with the commlock and fingered the button to close the door.


His heart began to pound in his chest, almost as if something really big was about to happen. 


John shook off the feeling and walked to her desk, moving around behind it, resting his hands on the back of her chair.  As he did, a framed picture, sitting on a discrete corner of her desk where only she could see it when she was sitting, caught his attention.


He pulled the chair out of the way and despite feeling like he was invading her privacy, he reached out and picked it up.


His breath caught in his throat and then began to come in short, quick gasps.  He fell into her chair, his eyes glued to the picture, which was grasped so tightly in his large hands that his knuckles were white.


The unbelievable conclusions he came to, were utterly overwhelming.  Conclusions.  Not memories.


The picture slipped from his hands and the sudden clashing sound it made when it hit the floor brought John out of his reverie.  He shot up out of the chair and out of her office.


He had to find her… had to talk to her.




                             **                                      **                                      **



He stopped just in front of Sandra’s house, a little winded from the mad dash he’d made over the short distance. 


Helena was dozing in the rocker.


He approached quietly, the setting sun, allowing him to gaze at her tender features already so perfect in his eyes, also casting a soft glow on her skin.  He stood there, watching her sleep, and worked on getting his breathing under control while debating on what to do; should he wake her, knowing how much she needed her rest and confront her with what he’d discovered, or continue to let her sleep.


But before he could make up his mind, she stirred and looked directly in his eyes, smiling softly.  “John.”  It came out as a whispered sigh.  And then she became more awake and sat up straighter.  “What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”


He smiled at the concern in her voice and answered softly.  “Yes, I’m okay.  But I need to talk to you.”


“Sure.”  She said, gesturing for him to sit in the rocker beside her, which he did.


“Can I ask you a question Doctor Russell?”  John asked, his blue eyes probing her green ones, which grew slightly wide at his use of her title.


Helena looked at him, not liking the strange way he said ‘Russell’; the tone he used on it sending a shiver down her spine.


“I thought I told you, you could call me Helena?”  She said trying to ignore the strange feeling she was getting from him.


“That’s right, you did, didn’t you.”  He said casually, his eyes still holding hers.  “It does sound more natural, doesn’t it?”


Helena grew serious.  She’d seen John play mind games before with the various aliens they’d encountered in their travels, but he’d never tried them on her.  And she knew her husband well enough, even if he was suffering from amnesia, to know that that’s what he was up to now.


“Of course it does.”  She said with a smile.  “We are friends after all.”


John looked at her closely.  “You know, you never did tell me just how close of friends we are.  I mean, Alan and I have been talking and I know that he and I have been friends for quite some time.”


“We’re good friends.”  She answered simply then looked at him.  “Is that the question you wanted to ask?”


John resisted the urge to smile.  She was good, he had to give her that.  Figuring out that he was fishing for answers.  But he had a slight advantage and he knew it.


Suddenly he heard her gasp.


Helena?”  He asked worriedly, suddenly forgetting about everything else, only knowing that she could be in pain.  “Honey, are you okay?”


Helena nodded, hearing him call her ‘honey’ and not realizing that he’d said it.  “Yes, I’m fine.”  She said, taking a couple of deep breaths.  “Both babies decided to kick at once and it knocked the breath out of me.  That’s all.”


John exhaled deeply and glanced down at her stomach, seeing it move.  He reached his hand out instinctively to feel the babies kick and then stopped suddenly.  Helena reached out and grabbed his hand before he could pull it back, and pulled it towards her, placing it on her belly. 


John held his breath as he waited, with her hand covering his, to feel his, and he knew they were his, children kick.  He didn’t have to wait long.  With a huge smile on his face he looked up into hers. 


Helena smiled back at him, tears in her eyes as she saw the absolute joy and wonderment on his face.


“That’s…” he paused, wanting to say ‘my babies’ but found he couldn’t.  “That was the babies kicking?”


Helena nodded.  Mmhmm.” 


John just shook his head in amazement and began to move his hand over her belly, trying to feel them again.  “This is so incredible.”  He murmured.


Helena stifled a moan, finding that she’d lost her voice at the feel of his hand moving over her.  It didn’t matter that he was doing it only to feel the babies; it’d been three days since he’d touched her in any way that was close to being intimate, three days that had seemed like a lifetime.


John heard her soft moan and suddenly felt that sense of guilt and fear he’d been feeling off and on for the last three days surge up to the surface.  He looked up her.  “Have I ever hurt you?”  He suddenly found himself asking her softly, needing to know.


She looked surprised by the question.  “Why… why do you ask that?  Has someone said something to you?”


He shook his head.  “No.”  He hesitated a moment, then decided to tell her.  “Ever since I woke up, I’ve had this strange feeling of guilt, coupled with a feeling of fear.  But I don’t understand why.  And it just happened again.”


“Just now?”  She asked and he nodded.  Helena hesitated in her answer.  She and Bob had come to the conclusion that his memory loss wasn’t caused by the bump on his head, but was more than likely caused by something he was suppressing.  Something he was too afraid to face.  But until he faced it, his memory wouldn’t return.


“Please, Helena.”  He begged her softly.  “Tell me, have I ever hurt you in any way?”


“No.”  She answered him softly, not liking the fear she saw in his face or heard in his voice.  “You’ve never hurt me.”


Her answered seemed to calm him and he nodded gratefully at her.  “That’s good to know.”


She smiled at him, and then suddenly yawned.


“Oh, excuse me.”  She said, stifling another yawn and looking at him apologetically.  “I’m sorry.”


John lifted his hand, which was still on her belly.  “Don’t apologize.  I know you’re tired.”  He stood up.  “I should go and let you get some rest.”


Helena nodded.  “Thank you.”


“Hey, what are friends for?”  He smiled, offering her a hand up.


She took his hand and as he gently pulled her up, she stumbled into him.  Suddenly she was too close; her arms around his neck; his arms around her; her scent drifting into his nostrils; her eyes gazing up into his and her lips too near to his own, parted as she tried to catch her breath.  He couldn’t resist and lowered his lips down to hers.


They moaned together. 


Her one hand slid up into his hair and she held his mouth to hers, relishing the feel of his tongue sweeping through her mouth in the passionate kiss.


John’s arms tightened around her, pulling her as tight to him as he could, moaning again as she responded to his kiss.


“John.”  She breathed longingly against his lips as the kiss slowly ended. 


John wanted to continue holding her like this forever, but again those feelings of guilt and fear assaulted him.  He stiffened.


“John?”  She asked, feeling the change in his body, and lifting her head to look at him.  “What is it?”


“I’m sorry.”  He said suddenly, letting her go and stepping away from her.  “I… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have done that.”  He looked around then moved to leave.  “I’ll… I’ll see you tomorrow.”


With that he turned and walked quickly away.


Helena stood on the porch, her hand to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold back her tears.  “Oh John.”  She cried, watching his retreating form.  “What is it that’s keeping you from coming back to me?”



                             **                                      **                                      **


John closed the hatch and turned to his wife.


“Grab a seat sweetheart and we’ll get under way.”


“Oh no, I’m riding up front with you.”  She said.


Helena, it’ll be much more comfortable for you back here.”  He said.


“But you’ll be up there and I’m not riding back here by myself.”  She said in a voice that he knew meant she wasn’t going to back down.


“Okay, come on.”  He said with a shake of his head and a gesture that she should go ahead of him.  “You are way too stubborn and I give in to you way too easily.  Why is that?”


She glanced back at him and just smiled.  “Because you love me.”


“I knew there had to be a good reason.”  He said smiling back at her.


“I will however,” she said as they entered the cockpit and she looked down at the co-pilot’s chair.  “Let you help me into the seat.”


John laughed and slipped his arms around her and supported her as she slowly sank down into the chair.


“I think you better leave the seat back.”  He chuckled, climbing into his seat.


“Are you implying, Commander, that I’ve gotten fat?”  She asked giving him a mock dirty look as she adjusted and pulled on the harness.


John looked over at her.  She had gained some weight since her little deal with Bob, enough that her face had rounded out slightly and her frame had filled out more.  But to John, she was still the most beautiful woman in existence.


“Not at all sweetheart.”  He replied, smiling at her.  “I’m just afraid that the twins might try and fly this bird.”


“Good answer.”  She laughed.


John laughed with her and began to punch some buttons.  “Hold on, here we go.”


Helena nodded as she felt the Eagle slowly begin to rise.


“I can’t wait to be sitting on that beach with your arms wrapped around me.”  She said to him.


“You know,” he began, a teasing tone in his voice.  “If you weren’t pregnant, I’d make love to you in the surf.”


Helena laughed.  “How about a compromise.”  John glanced over at her.  “We make love on the blanket next to the surf.”


John chuckled.  “You’ve got a deal lo…  he stopped.  “What the…”


Helena looked over at him.  “John?”


“John!  Abort lift off!  Abort!”  Alan’s image appeared on the small screen.  “John!  John can” <static>  me?” <static>ot an engine fire!”


John struggled with the controls.  “Alan!  Controls not responding!”  He yelled back.  “Repeat, no control!”


“Oh god… John!”  Helena called to him alarmed.


“Hang on tight.  I’m gonna try and land this thing.”  He told her in a voice that belied the panic he was feeling.


Suddenly the Eagle shot up, pressing them both back in their seats and then all of sudden they were thrown forward as the Eagle angled towards the ground.


Helena’s arms shot out in front of her, trying to protect the life inside her.  “John!”


“I… can’t… get… the nose up!”  He called out.


They watched in horror, as the ground quickly grew closer.  Terrified, Helena began to scream.  With one hand, John removed his harness, still fighting to level off the Eagle.


At the very last moment, John pushed himself out of his seat, throwing his body between her and the console.






John bolted up in bed, his hand automatically reaching out for her.


She wasn’t there.


“Oh god no!”  He moaned as he realized that she wasn’t there and he wasn’t home.


Alan burst into the room, wearing only a pair of sweat pants.


“John?!  John what is it?”  He asked alarmed.


“The Eagle… it crashed…”  John choked on the tears that had formed in his throat.  He buried his face in his hands.  “Helena… the twins.   Oh god, what’ve I done?”


Alan stood there stunned for a moment, having never seen John in such a state, looking so utterly scared and lost.  All of a sudden, it hit him.


“John, what have you remembered?”


“The Eagle… it was going down.  I could hear Helena screaming.”  John told him.  “At the last second I threw myself at her, hoping to prevent her from hitting the console.”  He began to sob.  “All I wanted was a carefree day alone with my wife… and now… oh god!  I can’t… not without Helena!  What have I done?”


Alan sat on the edge of the bed.  “John.”  He said and then repeated louder.  “John!  It worked!  What you did worked!”


John looked up at him.  Helena?”


“She’s fine.”


“And the babies?”  He asked hopefully.


“They’re fine too.  All three of them John.”


John released a shuddering sigh of relief, and then looked at Alan questioningly.  “Then what am I doing here?  Where’s Helena?”


“You’ve been staying with me since you were released from Medical three days ago while you recovered from the amnesia.”  Alan said.  “Don’t you remember?”


John looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. 


Sahn’s!”  He said suddenly, jumping out of the bed, pulling on his shorts and grabbing his commlock as he ran out of the room, not even bothering with his shoes.


“John!”  Alan called after him, but knew he was too late to stop him when he heard the front door slam shut.


John ran like a madman down the street, not feeling the stones in the street, his mind consumed only with seeing his wife.  Less than ten minutes after he left Alan’s, John was running up the stairs of Sandra’s porch, nearly running her over as she rushed out the door.


“Sandra!!”  He gasped breathlessly, grabbing her by the shoulders.  Helena?  Where is she?”


“I don’t know.”  Sandra answered.


“What do you mean you don’t know!?”  John asked, his voice raising.


“I don’t know.  I just got home and found this.”  She said, holding up a note, on which John could see Helena’s handwriting.  “All it says is that she’s gone for a ride and not to worry.  That she’s okay.”


John grabbed the note from Sahn’s hands and quickly read it.


He turned around suddenly just as he heard Alan drive up in his moon-buggy, at the same time seeing Bob approaching from medical.  John leapt from the porch.


“Alan!  Your moon-buggy.”


Alan nodded and quickly jumped out of the buggy just as John slid in from the other side, just barely getting out of the way in time as John took off.


“What’s going on?”  Bob asked.  “Sandra?  What’s this about Helena not being here?  And where is the Commander going?”


“She’s just not here.”  Sandra said.  “I don’t know where she is.  She just left me a note saying she was going for a ride.”


“And no one knows where she went?”  Bob asked.


Alan smiled and said simply.  “John knows.”



                             **                                      **                                      **


The fifteen-minute moon-buggy ride seemed to take forever as John pushed it as hard as he could, almost feeling that he could get out and run faster.  As soon as he’d read Helena’s note, he knew exactly where she’d gone.


When he finally reached his destination, he drove the moon-buggy around the house and right into the trees, stopping it a few feet from the glade and jumped out.  He ran, crashing through the bushes, oblivious to the stings of the branches that whipped against his bare skin.


Helena heard the commotion coming from the trees and sat up on the bed.  Suddenly John burst through the trees.


“John?”  She said as he ran over to her.


Helena!”  He said breathlessly, dropping down onto the bed beside her, his arms moving around her, pulling her into his lap as he buried his face in her hair  Oh thank god you’re all right.” 


Helena went willingly into his arms, burying her face in his chest, not caring anymore if he didn’t remember her.  She needed to feel him close.


Helena.  Helena.  Helena.  My Helena.”  He murmured, reaching down to tilt her face up so he could look into her tear-filled green eyes.  “I thought I’d lost you.”


Helena looked deep into his face, her eyes growing wide. 


“John?”  She asked, barely breathing, noticing but not quite believing that she was seeing recognition and love in their blue depths.  Her hands came up and framed his face, looking deeper into his eyes.  “Is it really… have you… John?”


“Yes, it’s really me, love.”  He smiled softly at her.


“Oh… oh… god…”  She breathed, tears streaming down her face as John lowered his lips to hers in a gentle kiss until her crying prevented them from continuing.  She looked at him, smiling through her tears.  “You came back to me.”  


John nodded, his own eyes now filled with tears.  “I came back to you.”


Helena drew in a shuddering breath as she pulled his lips back down to hers.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him, kissing him passionately.  John slowly lowered them to the bed, not breaking the kiss and being mindful of her condition, but still managing to press as much of their bodies together as possible.


When the kiss finally ended, Helena looked up into his face and smiled, her heart feeling like it was going to burst.  She whispered,  I love you.”


“I love you too.”  He replied as he repositioned himself beside her on the bed, pulling her closer still.


As they held each other, neither of them noticed the two people standing just inside the line of trees.


“See, I told you he’d find her.”  Alan said softly, a smile on his face.


“So you did.”


“And now that you’ve seen that she’s all right.”  Alan said.  “Let’s leave and let them have their privacy.”


“I really should check her out.”  Bob said and shook his head disdainfully.  “Going off on a joyride in her condition.”


“I’m sure if there’s anything wrong, Jon will bring her back.”


Bob nodded reluctantly and then he and Alan quietly left.


Helena.  I’m so sorry.”  John said softly against her forehead.


“For what?”  She asked, pulling back to look at him.


“For the hell I’ve put you through the last three days.”


“It wasn’t your fault.”  She said, running her fingers through his hair.


“Yes it was.  It was my idea to go to the beach that day.”  He paused and shuddered.  “God, I almost got you and twins killed.”


She put her finger to his lips.  Sssh.  The Eagle crash wasn’t your fault.” 


“But if I hadn’t have wanted…”


“John don’t.”  She said.  “It was a freak accident.  Nothing more.”


“But you were almost killed.”


“But I wasn’t.  You saved my life.  Mine and our babies.”  She told him and then asked him quietly.  “When did your memory return?”


“Half an hour ago.  I woke up from a nightmare.”  He shivered at the memory and pulled her closer.


“Tell me about it.  Was it like the ones you’d been having the last few days?”


“No.  This was much worse.  I was reliving the whole thing over again.”  He told her.  “I could see the fear on your face, hear it in your voice… and when the Eagle hit…”


“You thought I’d died.”  She finished and he nodded.


“Especially when I woke up and reached out for you and you weren’t there.”  He couldn’t help but chuckle a little as he continued.  “And then Alan burst frantically into the room.  At that point, I was so overcome with grief and guilt due to the nightmare, that the last three days were kinda hazy.”  He paused and ran his hand down her arm.  “And then he told me that you and the babies were okay and that’s when the events of the last few days came rushing back.”


“And you ran out of the house in just your shorts.”  She commented with a smile as she ran her hands over his chest.


“I’m lucky I remembered to pull them on at all.”  He laughed.  “I was more concerned with finding you; making sure that you were really all right and holding you in my arms.”


“I wanted to tell you.”  She said softly.  “I wanted so badly to tell you the truth.  That I was your wife; that we were married and…”


“I know.”  He said.  “I could see it in your eyes that there was something important that you were holding back.”


“Bob thought, and as much as I hated the idea, I agreed with him; that telling you could jeopardize your recovery.”


“How so?”


“By telling you things that you might not have been ready to handle.”  She paused.  “Like the fact that you had a wife, who just so happened to be pregnant with twins.”


“Oh I wish you would’ve told me.”  He said with a low groan and then grinned softly.  “Would’ve made the last few days so much easier.”


“Why do you say it like that?”


“Because even though I had no clue who I was, I fell in love with you the moment I woke up and looked into your beautiful green eyes.”  He said, his hand coming up to caress her cheek.  “And for the last three days, I’ve been going crazy with wanting you.  Wanting to hold you; make love to you, but knowing that I couldn’t because you were married.”


“I felt the same way.”  She said with a sigh.


“And I was jealous.”  He admitted.  “Jealous of the man who was lucky enough to have you as his wife and carrying his children.  And then earlier this evening when I saw that picture of the two of us on your desk…”


“What?  The picture?”  She interrupted.  “When did you go to my office?”


“Before I saw you at Sahn’s.”  He answered.


“But how… without your memory?  I lock my office door.”


“I know.”  He said and explained further.  “I’d had another nightmare and knew that being with you would calm me down.  So I walked over to Medical, in the hopes that you were still there and I guess I wasn’t really thinking when I grabbed my commlock and keyed the code.”  Helena just shook her head.  “I was stunned to say the least.  And then when I saw the picture… so many things went through my mind in that moment.  Shock, disbelief; utter joy at what that picture represented, and then anger.  I was angry at you for lying to me.” 


“I didn’t want to lie to you.”  She said, her eyes filling with tears again.  “In fact I hated doing it.”


“I know.”  He replied, brushing her tears away and gazing into her eyes before continuing.  “When I left your office, all I could think of was finding out why.  Why you and everyone else had kept the truth from me.”  He paused and shook his head.  “And yet through it all, I can’t explain it, but I felt this connection with you.  That certain things you and the others were telling me weren’t right.  Especially where you were concerned.”


“Like what?”  She asked, having an idea on what one of the things was.


“Like the fact that your name was Helena Russell.”  He answered.


Helena laughed.  “That one I figured out.  I could hear it in your voice every time you said it.  You seemed to hesitate on it.”


“Because it didn’t feel right.”  He said and then sighed.  “And there were other things, like the way your hand seemed to fit so well in mine, and there were the looks you’d give me.  And so many other things.”


“There were times, when I’d thought you’d gotten your memory back.”  She told him.  “Like when you knew about the twins.  And then, I’d look in your eyes and I wouldn’t see any recognition and it was like a knife in my heart.”  She stopped as she began to tear up again.


John didn’t say anything.  He didn’t know what to say.  So he pulled her tight against him and held her, letting her cry.


“All those little things,” he said softly against her hair a few moments later, as her tears began to subside.  “Being instantly attracted to you; knowing about the twins and falling in love with you all over again, was the knowledge in my heart of the love we shared, trying it’s damndest to make itself known to my mind.”


Helena looked up at him and smiled.  “I think you may be right.”


“I know I am.”


She brought her hand up and traced his lips with her fingers.  “I love you John.  I love you so much it’s scary.  And I realized these last few days, I really can’t live without you.”


“I love you too Helena.”  He replied softly.  “And if the last three days are any indication…” he paused and brushed his hand over her cheek.  “I can’t live without you either.”


They leaned into each other for a loving kiss that slowly grew more passionate.


“John.”  Helena murmured against his lips, her hands trailing down his chest.  “I need to be with you.”


John pulled back slightly, nodding as he gazed into her eyes.  “I need that too love, but are you sure?  After everything you’ve been through the last few days?”


“I’m sure.”  She said, smiling at his concern and reaching up to caress his cheek.  “I’m fine John.”  She paused and lowered her voice.  “I need you.”


His answer was to lean over and kiss her.  Moments into the kiss he suddenly broke it off and slipped out of the bed.


“John?”  She asked, sitting up slightly.


She watched as he moved around the glade and extinguished all of the torches, which she’d lit when she arrived earlier, save the one by the bed.  As he did this, she began to unbutton her dress.  When he returned to the bed a few moments later, she had most of them undone. 


John slipped off his shorts and Helena could see that he was extremely aroused as he knelt down beside her and finished unbuttoning her dress.


He helped her sit up the rest of the way and leaned in to kiss her as he pushed the dress off her shoulders.  He broke off the kiss and gently urged her to lie back.  He moved his eyes over her body and was pleasantly surprised to see that she wasn’t wearing anything under the dress.


Helena looked up at him, watching his blue eyes cloud over with desire as he continued to move them over her body.


John shifted closer to her, reaching with his hands to cup her breasts, which had grown fuller and rounder with the pregnancy.


She gasped as his thumbs moved over her nipples and then moaned as he leaned over and took one in his mouth, rolling it gently between his lips with his tongue, before moving over to do the same with the other.


Helena laced her fingers in his hair as he began to kiss a trail down her body, stopping to kiss every inch of her belly.


“Daddy’s back little ones.”  She heard him say softly, laying his cheek against her stomach.  She smiled and couldn’t stop the small laugh from escaping as both babies kicked in response to their father’s voice.  John chuckled.  “I’m happy too.”


With a final kiss to her stomach, John resumed the trail of kisses down her body.  She moaned softly as he brushed a soft kiss against the curls between her thighs and continued to kiss along her inner thighs.


“John!”  It came out as a frustrated moan.


John lifted his head and smiled at her as he shifted his body, sliding his hands along her thighs before leaning forward and pressing his mouth against her.


“John!”  She cried out softly as his tongue slid between her folds to attack the pearl of her desire, before drawing it between his lips to suck at her.  Helena moaned again and arched into him.


John continued to love her with his mouth until he couldn’t wait any longer to be inside her.  He quickly moved up on the bed beside her.  Helena reached out and grabbed his face in her hands, pulling his mouth down to hers for an electrifying kiss, her tongue dancing with his.


John broke off the kiss.  “Roll onto your side honey.”  He said huskily.


Helena nodded and rolled over, feeling John press his body close to hers.  He slid an arm under her and cupped her breast as he slowly guided his throbbing member into her.


They moaned.


After a few moments, John began to slowly move inside her, his hand sliding over her hip, down between her legs to stroke her in tandem with his thrusts. Helena arched back into him, his name a whimper on her lips as the sensations began to course through her body.  John groaned her name when he felt her squeeze her inner muscles around him and started to thrust quicker inside her, already feeling his control slipping.


Helena…” he breathed against her neck.  She could hear the tremble in his voice and knew that he was close. 


“I know…” she gasped, arching back into him, her body beginning to quiver with her own oncoming release.


John could feel her body shaking against his and began to stroke her more insistently, driving himself deeper inside her.  All of a sudden she began to convulse in his arms, crying out his name as her orgasm exploded and overwhelmed her.  John’s release followed seconds after hers, exploding deep inside her as her inner muscles constricted around him.  He buried his face in her hair as his body shook against hers, groaning her name.


“How’s the headache?”  He asked softly a few minutes later, moving and resting his chin on her shoulder once he could breath again.


She turned her head slightly to look at him, not really needing to ask how he knew, and smiled softly at him.  “Much better.  Thanks to you.”


He grinned.  “My pleasure.”  He pressed a kiss against her temple and added softly.  “And yours too.”


Helena chuckled.  “Definitely mine too.”  She turned her head back and pulled his arms tighter around her.


He shifted slightly, intending to withdraw from her and grab the blanket to cover them, but Helena reached back and grabbed him.


“Don’t.”  She said softly.


Helena, it’s going to get chilly later, you know that.”  He said.  “I’m just going to grab the blanket.”


“Not yet.  Please John.”  She asked.  “I… I can’t explain it, but I still need to feel…” she paused and tilted her head back again to look at him, shrugging, not able to find the words to explain her need to feel him in and around her.


“I understand love.”  He said softly, moving his arm from under her body, bending to cradle her head, his other arm moving around her stomach as he pressed his body closer to hers.


“Thank you.”  She sighed happily, snuggling back against him.


“Anything for you.”  He replied with a small laugh.  “Although I’m not complaining.”


Helena laughed softly.  “I really didn’t think you would.”


John felt her body relax against him as he held her close.  Helena?”  He asked softly. 


Mmm?”  She responded drowsily.


“You are okay right?”  He asked.  “Your headache?  Your blood pressure?”


“My headache’s long gone.”  She replied softly.  “And my blood pressure is fine.  I’ve got nothing to worry about at the moment to cause it to rise.”


“You’re sure?”  He asked.


“Yes John.”  She answered, yawning and trying to snuggle even closer against him.  “I’m very sure.  I haven’t felt this good in days.”


John pressed a kiss against her hair.  “I had to ask, you know that.”


Mmhmm.”  She murmured.  “Don’t worry honey, at least not for the rest of the night.  Just hold me.”


“The holding you I can do.”  He said, stifling a yawn himself and resting his head on the pillow.  “And will gladly do for the rest of my life.”


“I love you.”  They murmured softly to each other as they fell into a deep, contented sleep, holding each other tight.





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